If you have tested positive and have a partner — current, recent, or future — the question of telling them is usually the second-worst part of the whole experience, right after the result itself. This page is the practical guide. The takeaway up front: it is genuinely usually easier than you think, and the HSE clinic will do most of the hard work for you if you ask.
The single most useful thing to know
HSE GUM clinics will, on request, anonymously contact past or current partners on your behalf and recommend they get tested — without telling them who sent the message. This is called partner notification. It is normal, widely used, and almost always available. You do not have to make a single phone call yourself unless you want to.
Tell the clinician at your treatment appointment that you would like the clinic to handle partner notification. They will take it from there.
Three different conversations
"Telling a partner" can mean three very different things. Treat them separately:
Telling a current partner
This is the hardest one because the conversation is face-to-face and the relationship continues afterward. The single most consistent piece of advice from people who have done it: say it sooner rather than later, in private, in plain language, and without a preamble that builds dread.
A simple, working script:
"I had an STI test and it came back positive for [chlamydia / gonorrhoea / whatever]. The clinic gave me treatment. I wanted to tell you straight away so you can get tested too — it is free, and they will treat it the same day if you have it."
That is the whole thing. Do not over-explain. Do not start with "I have something to tell you, and you are going to be upset." Do not apologise excessively, especially before you know how they are reacting — apologising in advance puts them in the role of the wronged party even when there is nothing to be wronged about.
Expect any of three reactions: practical (asks where to get tested — easiest), upset (give them space, the upset is rarely about you specifically), or one of you accusing the other of having brought it in. The last one is the trap. You almost never actually know who caught what first. Most STIs can sit silently for months or years. The honest answer to "is this from me or you?" is usually "we will probably never know, and it does not really matter — what matters is that we both get treated."
Telling past partners
Past partners are easier in the sense that the relationship is over and the conversation is one-off. They are harder in the sense that texting an ex out of nowhere is its own awkward. This is where anonymous partner notification earns its keep.
You give the clinic the past partner's phone number, email, or social media handle. The clinic then contacts them with a message like: "Someone you have had sex with recently has tested positive for an STI and we recommend you get tested. The test is free and confidential." Your name is not shared. The clinic does not say which STI unless the partner needs that information to know which test to ask for.
It works. People are often grateful for the heads-up. Many of them never find out who sent it. You skip the conversation entirely.
If you would rather tell a past partner yourself, the same script as above works. A text usually does — "Hey, I tested positive for [STI] recently and the clinic suggested I tell anyone I have been with in the last few months so you can get tested too. Sorry for the random message." Calm, factual, no drama. Almost everyone responds reasonably.
Telling a new partner (something you already live with)
This is the disclosure conversation — for STIs you already know you have, before sex with someone new. Most often this is herpes, HPV or HIV.
The principle: tell them before the first time you have sex, but not so far before that they have time to research themselves into a panic with bad sources. The night before, or earlier in the evening, is usually right.
What works:
- Lead with what it means in practice. "I have herpes. It is well-managed, I take medication, my outbreaks are rare, and there are condoms and timing strategies we can use. I wanted to tell you before we had sex." That sentence covers the diagnosis, the management, and the path forward in one breath.
- Be ready for questions. They might ask: how do you know, when did you get it, what is the actual risk to me, do you have outbreaks now. Have the answers ready — calmly, factually.
- Give them time. A reasonable person needs a day or two to think. That is not rejection.
- Know the actual numbers. For herpes on suppressive therapy with condom use, transmission risk per year of regular sex is roughly 1-2%. For HIV on treatment with an undetectable viral load (U=U), transmission risk through sex is effectively zero, full stop. For HPV — the strains that matter are vaccine-preventable and most adults have been exposed to common HPV strains regardless.
What to say if it goes badly
A small number of people will react badly. They might be angry, dismissive, or hurtful. You did not cause that reaction by having an STI — you caused it by being honest, which is the right thing to do. If a current partner reacts badly, the right next step is usually space, not a lengthy debate.
If someone uses an STI diagnosis against you, in a relationship or after one, that is a separate problem and a serious one. The Women's Aid national freephone helpline is 1800 341 900, open 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Men's Aid Ireland is 01 554 3811, Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm. Samaritans are 116 123, free, 24/7.
If you cannot face any of this
Ask the clinic to do anonymous partner notification on every contact you can identify. You can give them numbers, emails, or social handles. The clinic does the messaging. You make zero direct contact with anyone if you do not want to. Tens of thousands of partner-notification messages are sent in Ireland every year. It is the system working.
What you do not owe
- You do not owe a partner an apology for getting tested.
- You do not owe a stranger from years ago a detailed explanation of where you have been since.
- You do not owe a new partner a recital of your sexual history if they have not been part of it.
- You do not owe public disclosure to anyone who is not at risk of catching something from you.
Where to go from here
- If you test positive — the first 24 hours
- Overcoming STI stigma
- Herpes — management and disclosure
- HIV — U=U and disclosure
- HPV — what to actually worry about
Important: Nothing on STI.ie is medical advice. Always speak to a clinician for diagnosis or treatment. HSE Sexual Health Line: 1800 700 700 (free, anonymous, Mon-Fri 8am-8pm, Sat 9am-5pm).